WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

I know its been forever since I wrote here, mostly cause I was avoiding it.  You see the last post I told you my dirty secret--you know-- the one that I started smoking and my weight lose journey was stale.  Well I am happy to report some things have changed.  The smoking thing is still a thing.  There are days and sometime weeks I don't smoke, and then there are days I can eat them.  I have come to terms with this.  I do know I will quit soon enough.  I can beat myself up, discourage myself, call myself names, or just move on, so I am moving on.  As for the weight loss, well that has changed.  I have started doing a boot camp twice a week, and I love it.  I am so happy that I found out about it.  The instructor is amazing, encouraging, and gorgeous inside and out!  She is an inspiration.  I go with a friend that started her journey with me way back in 2013.  The one thing I have discovered is that in 2014 I maintained my weight.  When I watched what I ate, and exercised at least twice a week, I had no issues.  I needed to know that I could maintain my weight lose without really thinking about it. In 2015, I was so sick for the first month that I was not able to do much.  Once February came,  so did the damn cold--the coldest February in a very long time.  I managed, nothing more.  March was it, it was going to be the beginning of the new me again.  I started logging everything into myfitnesspal.com again, and the half pounds came off.  I enjoyed March break, maintained, then got back on track.  I am now exercising a minimum of three times a week (doing circuit training/boot camp), wii, and xbox, treadmill and walking.  Last week for the first time in forever, I lost 1.5 lbs.  That is not my norm.  BUT- man did it rock!  I was smiling all week, nothing got me down, and I was encouraged to really think about what I wanted to eat.  Over these last couple of years, I have discovered some really interesting things.  One thing I learned is that exercise make you feel alive, eating EVERYTHING in moderation is key, and just letting go of the shit times the scale doesn't reflex what you want.  My kids will work out with me, they will encourage me and actually ask me to exercise with them.  Last weekend we took apart a couple of closets and laughed because in my sons my wedding dress was hanging as it was 20 years (in Sep) ago.  They wanted me to try it on, and I have to say I was nervous.  It fit, and it fit with room.  Wanna know what my first reaction was?  My first thought was "I was this fat when I got married."  How pathetic is that.  Most women would be so happy, and I went to the dark shit right away.  I would beat the shit out of any of my friends if they thought that.  I mean really.  These crappy thoughts did not last long.  My girls were so excited saying "Mom that is amazing remember when we couldn't do it up?"  I had forgot.  I had tried it on a few years back and thought I would wear it for Halloween, and it did not fit AT ALL.  Once I remembered that, I smiled, wide.  They were excited so why am I not jumping up and down.  My oldest wanted to take a picture and then said "Mom we should post this." So we did.  It felt good.  I felt proud.  Today, I wanted to work out, but instead I did groceries, peeled 10 lbs of potatoes, marinated some lamb, got my stuffing ready, set the table and organized my dishes, all for Easter and the 20 people that will be celebrating with us.  I finally just sat down.  I know it sucks that I did not work out, but, I also know I have worked hard, and deserve to sit  and chill.  I also know that I will continue to succeed, and I also know I will work out tomorrow.  I know that I am healthier and have a lot to still work on.  What I wanted you to know is don't waste so much time beating yourself up.  Don't go to the negative first like me.  Its hard to go positive first, but really push yourself there.  A friend of mine is also working on this, and she says its hard all the time, and man is it ever.  Be sure to enjoy all your accomplishments even the small ones.  Find people that inspire you.  Inspire others.  Most importantly, just be accepting of who you are and work on getting better.  I am writing this so I can look back on those shit days, and re-read this and remind myself to do all of this.  Enjoy your holiday this weekend, and eat and enjoy--just remember to work out, go for a walk, laugh really hard (it burns good calories), and be positive.